1) You spill coffee all over your cute yellow sundress and the inside of your car.

2) You don’t have the usual stack of DQ napkins in your glove box because you’ve been on the healthy train so you will look adorable in your cute yellow sundress.

3) While rummaging through the back seat looking for something absorbent, you hit your head really, really hard on the car door frame. (All the while still covered in the coffee you just spilled all over your cute yellow sundress.)

4) You go to the washroom to make sure your head isn’t bleeding and to mop up the coffee off your cute yellow sundress. While you are answering nature’s call you discover that your underwear has hole the size of Texas in it and may not last the rest of the day. You wonder how you didn’t notice this gigantic hole when you put the panties on and decide that you are a bit of a twit.

5) At lunch you go the nearest shopping centre and buy yourself some new underwear just in case you lose the ones you have on. Your head is pounding and your cute yellow sundress has a big brown stain on it.

Awesome.

Throughout my life I have been described by many people as ‘easy-going’ and ‘laid back’. This, my friends, is not entirely true. I know it’s shocking, right? ;) I do have a healthy grasp on what is truly important (i.e. worth getting upset or angry about) and what is not. But I also have a tendency to worry, overanalyze, worry, over think, worry, obsess, and oh let’s not forget worry. I worry about how well I’d fare in a natural disaster or if Zombies attacked. I worry about what kind of parent I might be and how I might screw up any potential offspring I may have. I worry about getting older. I also worry about my health a lot. I’m not sickly but I’m convinced that every ache, pain, spot, bruise, and twitch is some kind of terminal disease. (I really need to not consult the internet to diagnose my symptoms.)

But here’s a particularly nutty example of the sorts of things that worry me. I am always anxious when I’m about to leave the house for the day/weekend and extra anxious if I am the last to leave. The fear is that the house will burn down and it will be because of something I have left plugged in or unattended. Sometimes it’s the stove or the iron, often it is my hair styling devices. I am constantly leaving the house only to return moments later to recheck something that I have already checked a hundred times. I have called my roommates on SEVERAL occasions to check on things for me. Last weekend, as I was leaving for the cottage, I noticed a pile of weeds on the patio that had become quite dry and brittle from the sun. As I was driving away I decided that the hot sun was going to ignite the dried weeds on the patio and burn the house down and it would be my fault because while this thought had crossed my mind I didn’t scoop up the weeds and put them in the garbage. I explained this fear to my very logical and pragmatic travelling companion on the way. He chuckled at me, shook his head a little and said: “You know that can’t happen, right?” I replied, “Well, I’m sure it HAS happened to someone somewhere!” He conceded that yes there have been a handful of documented cases of spontaneous combustion throughout history so it is technically possible. But the odds of all factors that would have to be in place for this to happen would be a bazillion to one . And besides, the weeds were resting on my brick patio and brick, I was informed, does not burn well.

During the ride I left my roommate a voicemail asking him to please dispose of the weeds in the backyard so that I wouldn’t have to spend the weekend worrying about them bursting into flames in the backyard. He replied by sending me a text that said: You. Are. Crazy. Lol…

I logged into my Myspace account for the first time in a while and much to my surprise I found a plethora of new emails from random men wanting to chat. I am not going to respond to any of these emails for reasons that will become clear as you read along; However, these examples will illustrate the variety of approaches a person can take when “cold calling” a random stranger on a social networking site.

Let’s start with the right approach (if there is such a thing), shall we?

From a 29 year old man who lives in my area:
Hey there, Nice profile and pics :)

How are you?


This is a pretty good tactic: Friendly, short, and sweet. He is about my age (ahem, no heckling) and he is local (i.e. not looking for a mail order bride). He did not say anything offensive and/or offer up reasons why I should let him into my pants. He just thought I was cute and tried to make a connection. If I was looking to date someone new (and if I wasn’t terrified of online dating) perhaps I would write back. However, this person’s photos are all of him in various stages of shirtlessness so that’s a big strike against. He’s not unattractive, but those of you who know me personally will know that this kind of machismo is not really my thing. But that aside, this one is probably the best example (at least in my inbox) of how to approach women online.

Here is the runner up:

From a 45 year old, who is also local:
i think ur very pretty ,im wondering if we could chat sometimes. thanx

Again, the message was sort of sweet and mostly inoffensive if you don’t count the hideous grammar, typos, and text message jargon. It’s a bit more suggestive than the first example which is why I’d be less likely to respond. And I suppose for some women my age 45 is within their dating range but he’s a little too senior for me (if he really IS 45 and not 55 which I suspect, from his picture, is the case). Although, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp are both 45 and I don’t think I would refuse a dinner invitation from either one of them. Hm. Maybe the point is if you look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp then you can hit on anyone. Sigh…what was i…talking…about? OH right.

And here are 2 examples of ways to crash and burn.

From a shirtless 43 year old man (who should really put on a shirt) in the US:
Subject Line: hellloooooooo???????????

helloo---i am writing to ask you to write and try to be friendsi am going to be in that area this week from the uninted states and i need a friend. have a drink, see a movie or something fun---maybe shoot some pool--whatevercould i get you interested????? please maybe just set and talk--------

YIKES! I don’t even know where to begin. 'Hello' has one 'o' and should be capitalized if it’s at the beginning of a sentence. I’ve never heard of the "uninted states" and it’s not my fault that you need a friend, loser! No, you could not get me interested even if you say please and use an inappropriate amount of question marks! Set and talk? Set what? The table? A volleyball?
The timer on my self destruct device?
ARGH!
No, No, No! The tone of desperation and the incomprehensibility of this message is enough to send any single gal worth her salt running for the hills.

And now, drum roll please…

This one is from someone who claims to be 22 (yeah right) from the US:
Hey pretty,I saw your pick on your page and i must confess that you look real pretty.I am from ____________ am single and 47 years willing to settle down with an honest and God fearing woman..anway would you mind introducing yourself to me becos i really want to know you, pls accept me my invitation of been that man you have always expect to have in your life...Love to be more than just a friend.
This one is kind of my favourite for so many reasons! First of all, his picture looks like it was taken at a Sears portrait studio and might appear on his RE/Max business card. Second, there is NO WAY this man is 22 unless he his real name is Benjamin Button. (mmm...Brad Pitt...)

Third, if I have always expected this man to be in my life, then my first call should be to a counsellor who specializes in boosting self esteem. I also love that he is willing to settle down as though he’d be doing some honest and God-fearing woman a favour. Puh-leeze.

I’m not trying to sound like a cold-hearted person here. I’m trying to do a favour for anyone who is considering using Facebook/Twitter/Myspace/whathaveyou as a dating pool. It may not be the best place to troll for chicks/dudes for the simple fact that this is not its intended purpose. But if you are going to try, then be smart about it.

Here are some Dos and Don’ts:
Don’t:
Act desperate. Refrain from words like pleeeeeaaaaase and phrases like “I’m lonely and sad I really think we could be great companions.” This is one of THE best ways to stay single (and celibate) forever.

Be Aggressive. Don’t come on too strong. And for the love of Gouda refrain from any and all sexual over/undertones.

Address the girl as sexy, pretty, baby, beautiful, etc in your email. It’s presumptuous and weird.

Be a stalker. If the person you contact does not reply, take that as a rejection and walk away. Take your fingers off the keyboard and shut ‘er down. Period.

Be longwinded. No one needs your life story in a "pick up"email. That’s what your profile is for.

Cast a wide net. There was a guy on myspace who sent these kinds of emails to almost every girl I knew on that site. Girls talk. If you are going to cut and paste the same lame email and send it to different girls, make sure they are not virtual friends.

Send unsolicited emails to girls who haven’t indicated in some way that they are single and looking for an online love connection. Just don’t. It is unwelcome.


Do:

Use proper grammar and full sentences. It’s not a text message or a telegram. You aren’t paying by the character. Put in a little effort.

Be polite.

Keep it friendly and brief.


I really hope that helps! I'm here to help. If I can help just one person out there, then my work here is done.
Until next time...

I’m feeling a bit anxious and weepy today for no particular reason. Perhaps it’s all the rainy weather we’ve been having. Perhaps it’s a ‘girl’ thing. Perhaps it’s because it is Monday after a particularly full weekend. Maybe there is no real reason. It happens sometimes. So I figured I would make a list of gratitude to try to get me out of this funk:

I am grateful that the weather is cooperating today! Aside from the increased Vitamin D that I am no doubt getting, it also means that Annabelle won’t be at home having a complete meltdown and I won’t worry about her all day.

I am very happy to have Toula back in the office after 3 weeks of vacation. Clearly this is selfish of me, but she’s one of the funniest people on the planet and I’m quite tickled to have her back!

I’m thankful that I spent the night dreaming about George Stroumboulopoulos. In my dream he was trying to woo me and persuade me to go on a date with him. I of course played hard to get.