Deana Says Some Funny Shit (Episode 1)

I’m hoping that this will be a running feature on my blog, but it all depends on how often Deana says some funny shit. From the looks of things, I think I’m in good shape.

But (again) let me preface this post with some important facts. Deana is my roommate and an angel sent down from heaven to bring joy and laughter into my otherwise joyless and laughter-less life. Okay, so that may be stretching it a bit but let’s get one thing straight. I love Deana. LOVE HER. She is kind and funny and generous and a fantastic roommate. She helps me take care of my high-maintenance dogs. She makes me soft-boiled eggs and toast on the mornings when I can’t bear to face the day. She calls me Sugar-pie and Sugar-bear and other sugary things. She never complains about what a slob I am even while she’s doing the dishes I left in the sink. She happily works out the ever-present knots in my right shoulder even after a full day of massaging clients. I am going to be inconsolable when the day comes that we don’t live together anymore.

On top of all of that, she says some funny shit! Deana has a way of mixing metaphors, conflating clichés, and inadvertently making sexual innuendos like no one else I know. And one of the greatest things about Deana is that she doesn’t take herself too seriously. She’s always the first (well, maybe the second) to laugh at her verbal blunders. I have her full permission to share with you, dear friends, some of the funny shit that Deana says. So let’s begin, shall we?

One day I was cleaning Peaches’ hoo-hoo with a facecloth because, well, it was dirty from repeatedly squatting in the muck to pee. Deana walked in the room and then quickly left saying “she wasn’t there yet.” I understood completely. Not everyone wants to see me give my dogs a sponge bath on their no-no places. So you can imagine my surprise when I came home one day and was told that she had cleaned Annabelle’s “pee-pee” and had also applied Polysporin to the affected area! Annabelle was suffering from a bladder infection at the time and was a tad irritated…down there. I looked at Deana in shock and said “You did?”
She shrugged and said:

“If I love someone then it’s okay to touch their pee-pee.”

I vow that she will receive a custom made t-shirt from me, on her birthday, emblazoned with that very phrase.

Oh Deana…you’re so pretty.